Article by Keren Joy Son published in AVPI Times, Volume 1, Issue 3.
And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin. Romans 14:23
This very Word of the Lord spoke to me one night in a preacher’s message during one evening worship service. I was a working mom and I have been hearing a lot of preaching on being a “keeper at home” and for what purpose why it exists in the Bible.
But hearing the messages and going back to where I am at the present time is a difficult thing to deal with. Like a tree that was growing in the middle of the forest for 28 years of existence, I was rooted maybe in the middle of the earth and was struggling to be plucked out. I know that I really have a very strong personality empowered by this world’s mindset of being a “woman of dignity”. I have been a member of a society in which we promote women’s rights and that was why this idea was somewhat new to me – for I have been used to a different setting of Christianity. Headship – this principle was raised upon my knowledge and a bothered soul was I.
I have fought this idea for quite a while and have been wandering in my “desert of reasoning”. I heard testimonies from the fellowships that I have recently attended. I have never seen a life like this! And what stayed on my mind were lots of questions and possibilities that I might face if I really make that “big” decision that I was facing. Doubt always gets in that system where I put that so-called Logic to a life that is purely based on FAITH ALONE.
But… Will it really work for me? Can we sustain our needs financially? Is this really God’s will for me, my family? Is this really true? Is it really possible especially the struggle nowadays where working parents should exist?
These were the questions that lingered in my mind. I came to the Lord from time to time, asking for wisdom and strength to face this struggle within me. And I knew something has been disturbing me. Then I began to imagine and have asked myself, “Can I really let my child see me every day to say goodbye to him early morning and hello in the evening and let other people train him while I am away from home until I am in my 65th?” I knew that my husband was praying for me and have been wanting to see my heart to be ready in following God’s order wholeheartedly. I have bended my knees praying and crying my heart out to the Lord. But still, I was not ready to obey Him. My stubborn heart has failed me. But during the time God was dealing with me, I began having problems back at work. Later, I realized that God has been doing something to push me away.
Every preaching and reading of the Word of God; conversations with the ladies during fellowships; and hearing their own testimonies, little did I know that slowly God was breaking that rock-covered heart that I have. And from that cracked heart, I was slapped in the face when I heard that blessed man from the pulpit saying, “You have been saved by Christ and yet you cannot trust Him for this matter that He has designed for the family to have.” Then he read Romans 14:23.
I found myself praying to the Lord asking for forgiveness for doubting Him in my life. Finally, the Lord shattered my heart. And I gladly told my husband that I will be leaving my work after that week-long Bible School at AVPI 2014. After struggling for 2 years, I filed my resignation. And after that decision, blessings overflowed and I have experienced things that I never thought I could have in my life!
I am very thankful that God never stopped! He is always there to work in my life so I can be in the circle of His will. He never fails. No words can describe His mercy and grace that He has brought in my life during that stage of my life. Although I know that I am not there yet – slowly the Potter is molding me again and I will always be ready for how He will form me. I’m a wife and a mother – a work in progress.
To God be the glory!